I guess I've been putting THIS new post off long enough....it's been a rough few weeks.
Being in the field of work I'm in I see a lot of people just trying to survive. Just trying to get to the next day, the next week, the next month. Meanwhile they are sick, can't breathe, can't eat, on so many meds it would make your head spin. But they WANT to survive. Then there are the ones who have an existence that's great...house, job, car, kids, not sick, not on drugs but they don't want to survive. I'm muddling about in my life still figuring things out (yes, i survived 30 and still have no clue where my life is going) and these people want to wipe themselves out. I saw my first one a few years after getting into the fire department and let me tell you, 11 years in they don't get any easier. Kinda like the first cardiac arrest I rode in on....no chance he was gonna make it, but I lost it at the hospital anyway and cried my eyes out for a good 15 minutes. It wasn't fair....why was I picked for this business? Why me? But I guess I was destined so I stayed put....let me tell you...I survived that indoctrination....everyone who does this has to.
My first ever time I had to deal with suicide was a friend in high school....we were 17 years old.....think you don't think of that stuff at 17? Think again. 17 was two years before I joined the fire department....I was raised on the fire department....my Dad joined when I was 4 years old.....he became a single parent when I was 9. So where did we go when he had meetings and drills? Anyone have a guess? I do know that I was probably programmed with this in my blood at birth, my Mom being an EMT and my Dad being an EMT-I prior to my being born. I don't really sweat the calls as much as I did when I younger and greener.....the guy under the train was no problem to deal with.....he would have been 10 years ago though. I tell all the new kids that come in that if a call bothers them they should come talk about it to us. Don't keep it in cause it will chew you up and spit you out in the end.
Suicide is harder to deal with when it's a friend as it was this past month. I don't blame him for doing it but I'm angry him for leaving behind all those who cared for him and that who loved him with no explanation. I totally understand the mentality it takes to get to that place where you want to off yourself. I've been there, trust me, it sucks. I got counseling at the time, changed my life and got better. Now all I want to do is live because most of the time I love it. I just hope my friend found the peace he was looking for and I hope we will all be able to move on. I'm not going to forget him, mind you, but I will remember him for who he was and what a good friend he was. Not how he went out.
So I continue to survive every day and I intend to enjoy my life! I had a rockin' birthday party, FINALLY got myself a new laptop (no more dinosaur!) and have been hanging out with people who are good for me.
Some more bad news did creep in but like everything else you gotta take it in and move on. The daycare I work for is closing so at the end of May I will be jobless!
So we will see where this adventure of my life will go and see what otherpossibilities are out there......hence the title of my blog.
Rest in Peace brother.....hopefully I will meet you again someday.
Signing Off 16:48